Dr. Touchgrass, D.O.G.
Chief Prescribing OfficerBoard-certified Good Boy. Cannot read, write, or be sued. Prescribes naps with unnerving accuracy. Salary paid entirely in tennis balls.
About the lab
We built a pharmacy that sells nothing
dodrugs.now is a comedy bit dressed up as a pharmacy. We are not a real dispensary, we stock no real substances, and our entire inventory is things you already knew were good for you. The joke is that the joke is good advice.
The origin story (fully fictional)
In a garage that was also somehow a meadow, a dog and three deeply tired adults asked a simple question: what if the most powerful drugs were free, legal, and standing right outside? Then they built a website about it instead of touching grass, which is ironic, and they know that.
Today, dodrugs.now serves zero customers (there are no customers, it's a website) and dispenses precisely one thing: the gentle, relentless suggestion that you drink some water and step into the sun. We are very proud of our zero-percent harm rate.
Our values
The four pillars of doing nothing useful
Zero substances
We have never, will never, and could never stock a real drug. The bit is the product.
Aggressively free
Everything costs $0.00 forever. Our business model is 'there isn't one.'
Annoyingly correct
Our prescriptions are the same advice your mom gave you. She was right. We monetized nothing.
Renewably wholesome
Grass grows back. The sun comes up. Dogs remain good. Fully sustainable supply chain.
Our team
Allegedly real people (one is a dog)
Every name, title, and credential below is invented for comedic effect.
Bartholomew Hydrate
Head of Compounding (Water Division)Spent 14 years perfecting our flagship formula before realizing it was, in fact, water. Refused to stop. We respect the commitment.
Sunny Delacroix-Vitamin
VP of Going OutsideHas never been indoors during daylight. Communicates exclusively via squinting. Single-handedly invented the concept of 'a little walk.'
Professor Reginald Naps
Director of Lying DownPioneering researcher in the field of 'just closing your eyes for twenty minutes.' Currently unavailable. He is napping. He is always napping.